


Not Even in a Million Years

by Moodystargazer (Linnaea)



Category: Naruto
Genre: F/M, M/M, Misunderstandings, Set Up, Wooing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-30
Updated: 2014-12-22
Packaged: 2018-02-27 11:53:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2691983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Linnaea/pseuds/Moodystargazer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It is the usual cliche of a rich boy getting involved in "to be a successor you have to get married". However, Sasuke Uchiha decides he will get out of it, no matter what. Even if he has to look for a boyfriend within two months to prove to his hateful brother and his father that he is gay, and even if his only option left is his old childhood rival, who lives in the remote island of Konoha. Seriously, he isn't falling in love with Naruto Uzumaki: not even in a million years.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In Less Than Three Seconds, I am a Homosexual

The window panes were stained by the rays of light that peeked through the leaves. Sasuke leaned on his side, pressing his ear on the car window. He watched as trees became gradually smaller; he mindlessly counted them. He sighed quietly and brought his fingers to the window. He began to trace shapes: lions, stars, letters: practically anything that came to mind.

If it was not clear enough, he was bored.

It was a long drive from the airport to the main village. They were on a little island... Well, the island was 'little', according to the map.

The Uchiha knew better now, judging from the two hours he had sat there, not counting the time it took to walk to get into the main road. Apparently, this island was going through restorations and the usual road could not be used. Everyone walked a lengthy distance to their vehicles.

Personally, he thought it was a load of crap that these people were spewing.

When he had lived there, the roads were just fine. They were rocky sometimes, but they were decent enough so that one could drive effortlessly through them. He never heard of an accident being caused by the road. It was more like a turtle was crossing and the family crashed while trying to get around it (which was stupid, they could have just stepped on the breaks) or it was like some kid decided to steal their parents' car keys and tried to drive.

Not that Sasuke himself had done it, but he had seen it happen.

After all, he had almost been a victim of that particular 'accident'. The one responsible for taking the bright red car and almost running Sasuke over with it when he was a casual five-year old trying to cross the street to school was the reason he was there actually; why he had returned to the little village of Konoha.

The name of this infamous pest was Naruto Uzumaki, self-proclaimed prankster.

Sasuke Uchiha was set up to meet this prankster.

-/-/-/-

It was his beloved brother's fault.

Yes, the heavenly and peace-loving Itachi Uchiha had made his life a nightmare in less than three seconds. It all started with the usual cliché that was Sasuke's life: he was the son of a wealthy CEO who had a beautiful wife who had been a famous actress and he was the younger brother of the prodigy Itachi Uchiha. He was the odd one out of this entire perfect picture, although his mother reassured him the family loved him anyway.

The reassurance turned out to be pointless when he found himself in Itachi's shadow.

Unhappy with the turn of events, he moved on and pursued his own path in the outside world. He was able to get a doctor to train him in the medical field. His name was Orochimaru. Eventually, the doctor was invited to work in the Uchiha Company, but ultimately was part of a scandal that finished ruining Sasuke's reputation within his family completely.

Of course, his fans were not deterred and they did not leave at all. Sasuke knew his luck was shitty then.

In any case, he was the black sheep of the family. He was more withdrawn than the average Uchiha and he was less likely to cooperate with people. He was just as bad as Itachi, but everyone agreed that at least Itachi accomplished something. Sasuke merely ignored them and kept trying to improve by traveling even more, to gain his own experience and to find his own true calling.

Then, he received a call from Mikoto, requesting him to come home.

Sasuke always respected his father. He was amazingly talented and Sasuke liked his personality now that he was not a kid wanting his father's attention. The CEO also was the most reasonable person that Sasuke knew. So he never expected for Fugaku to insist in a successor with two critical requirements: they had to be skilled and they had to be married off to some woman to make children. Sasuke was so wrong when he thought his father was dignified enough to not do that cliche of making the oldest get married and take over the company.

He arrived to the meeting of the company on time, as expected of him, and sat next to his brother, who greeted him with a smile. Sasuke merely waved once although if it were up to him, he would have flipped the bird at him already. But he was an Uchiha and Uchihas kept their cool at all times. Also, he would not let Itachi break him.

Or so he hoped he had been able to do.

When Fugaku had declared Itachi would be the rich successor to the famous Uchiha company, all hell had broken loose.

Every Uchiha was pointing at different people who would be better. Rin and Kakashi had come with Obito and argued Obito would be the best for the spot. Some people singled out Shisui, who was smiling nervously in response, since he supported Itachi all the way.

As for Itachi, he was simply stating at the commotion, with a fond smile on his face.

Well, to Sasuke, it looked like the devil's smirk.

Itachi hated him. Itachi wanted to break him.

Then, the golden star spoke. "How about Sasuke?"

He knew it! Everyone went silent. Sasuke stared at everyone with a blank look. He was not intimidated at all. In fact, he was calm as he said, "No."

Hell broke loose again.

"Him?! Hell, even Obito is better then!"

"Why you-!"

"All he does is travel around! He's always with that Orochimaru!"

"No offence, Fugaku-san and Itachi-san. But Sasuke-san is not fit for the company. He has no experience."

Sasuke was happy he had expertise when it came to controlling his facial expressions. He would have probably glared at all of them and have choked everyone. Except for Shisui, who was defending him from three Uchihas from what he could hear through all the screaming. Maybe Obito would be an exception too, since he was already close to choking somebody but was being held back by Kakashi.

His father was sensible to intervene then. "Quiet down! I want to hear Itachi's reasons for this!"

Sasuke was stunned to hear that from his father, out of all people. But thinking back on it, he should have known that his father would want to listen to his older brother. Itachi barely gave his opinions and he was a mystery, even to his own father. Only Mikoto and Shisui seemed to know him well.

Itachi smiled (smirked!). Everyone went silent and listened as the dark-haired man explained, "I am not able to find a woman to have children with. My current lover is infertile and I am in love with her. I cannot marry someone else to get the company. On the other hand, Sasuke is popular with at least three girls who interact with him every day. They are wonderful young women: Sakura Haruno, Ino Yamanaka, and Karin Uzumaki."

Sasuke narrowed his eyes.

Ridiculous.

Itachi must be one of the densest people in the world or he hated him. Because he did tolerate all of them (which was the closest thing to a good thing when it came to Sasuke), but they were still annoying if he thought about getting married to them or even getting closer than 'acquaintances'.

However, it looked like there was a wave of approval among the rowdy Uchihas. They all knew Sakura for her intelligence and her medical career with the famous Tsunade. They also knew about the famed Uzumaki family. It was clear that some of them did not know Ino, but it was all the same if the golden star was suggesting them as Sasuke's possible bride.

Then, Sasuke felt the need to gulp since his throat had gone dry for some reason.

"Sasuke is also quite the experienced fellow. He has traveled around the world with Orochimaru, who has failed many times, but he has redeemed himself thanks to my dear little brother and he is a vital part of the company. If anything, I think that a leader should be able to change people's hearts, and Sasuke possesses this quality. He is dignified like our father and kind like our mother."

At this, Sasuke held back the need to snort and mock Itachi for those words. His mother's 'kindness' was only there for her immediate family (meaning her husband and her kids). Get her together with some other person, and she would be teasing just as Sasuke would.

But apparently, they bought that too. They were all moved. He was sure the only one who wasn't moved at all was Kakashi but he was reading his porn book, so that didn't matter.

"He is twenty-one, old enough to take the company as a legal adult. With these qualities, I assure you the company will flourish with Sasuke." His older brother eyed him and smiled. Sasuke narrowed his eyes more.

"Who will be my sister-in-law, Sasuke? I want to know how my nephews and nieces will look like."

Sasuke heard glass shattering. He was sure everyone must have been deaf, because they were cheering now. Even his father?! He looked horrified at him. He wanted his father to refute that idea!

"I agree with my son. Sasuke, who will you choose to be your bride?" Fugaku asked him.

No.

Nonononono-

"Father, I-"

"Sakura-san would look cute with Sasuke-san!"

"I think personally that Karin-san would benefit us greatly. An Uchiha and an Uzumaki together would surely be the news of the year!"

"I don't like Sakura and Karin. Yamanaka-san might be nicer!"

Sasuke knew his peace would be over in that moment. Everyone in the Uchiha family was unified for once. He could not pull the excuse Itachi used and he could not disappoint his parents more.

He was cornered.

So when someone is close to breaking, it is only natural that he would blurt something out that he had not meant to say.

He surprised himself by the coolness of his own demeanor as he said, "I cannot do it. I am a homosexual."

Everyone went silent for like the umpteenth time. But this time, some were gaping at Sasuke, some were fainting, and some were smiling, making a face that clearly read, "I didn't hear that, can you repeat it again?" Sasuke did see Obito handing Kakashi something that looked suspiciously like money.

In any case, even he was stunned by his own words. But before he could open his mouth to deny what he had just said, Itachi spoke first.

"Who is the man you are seeing, little brother?" Sasuke almost barely caught himself from glaring at Itachi. Of course, he would suspect it was all a lie-!

Wait.

This was perfect.

He could pretend that he was a homosexual. He had no problems with people's sexuality, so he was not a homophobic person or anything. He did not necessarily support them either.

But now, he had a new duty that changed his neutrality on the matter.

He had to pretend he was a hidden rainbow all along.

"No one. But I can't change my sexuality." Sasuke said regally. He was actually pulling it off: everyone was slowly getting off their shock and they were actually listening. He would applaud them for being open-minded if they were not crazy about making him some stuck up company CEO.

Fugaku finally spoke.

Sasuke's sentence was to...

-/-/-/-

... "Come to this island to prove you are gay and you will be free." Sasuke muttered to himself as the car stopped.

It seemed simple enough.

Well, he did have to get over the fact his father gave him two months to get a boyfriend and present him to the family to show he was, indeed, a homosexual. It had been achieved by continuously attacking the students at the dojo he was part of. He made a new record of wins and received a new title: the Professional Gut Smasher.

Then, he had to get over the fact that Karin sent him messages that they would prove they were better than whoever Sasuke's boyfriend would be. Sakura actually smiled sadly at him when she cornered him one day. She even told him "good luck" and he guessed she would cry for a week before getting over it. Because she is that intelligent at times (if only she was not too clingy sometimes) The most dismaying response was from Yamanaka, who was giggling when she cornered him outside of the dojo one day.

Ino just winked at him and said, "I knew it."

Talking about crazy girls, he believed that he was turning into one of them. For the first time in his life, he was looking for someone to be his other half. His partner. His lover. His…

A shudder traveled down his back, making his duck hair spike up.

His boyfriend.

-/-/-/-

For his first month, he spent his time asking his 'friends' out. He tried with Suigetsu first. The white haired guy accepted with a condition: Sasuke had to be the 'rich boyfriend' type.

Sasuke responded with promptly turning around and leaving.

He tried with Juugo. But Kimimaro kicked him out, stating, "We are grateful to you for changing Orochimaru-sama but there are limits."

And…

That was it. His 'friends' didn't accept him. Hell, he technically had no friends.

But they were ridiculous; anyone would die to date Sasuke Uchiha.

Too bad that everyone who knew him thought otherwise. The others thought he was a cool genius. His family and friends thought he was a dead last. Great.

He could not ask a stranger either. He had to choose someone who seemed that he picked with a lot of thought and it was reasonable he would want him as a boyfriend. Fugaku and Itachi would figure his lie out right away if he picked a random stranger. They'd figure the stranger was bribed into being his boyfriend.

There was also the problem that he did not want a boyfriend. Now that we are in the topic of sexuality, he would argue he is asexual.

He knew he was growing desperate when he started to eavesdrop on everyone. He even made an account on those shitty social networks where he put in his information and added his 'friends', who were about 1000, since Sasuke decided he would carelessly accept whoever the hell wanted to be his… friend.

He heard from Sakura about a Kiba Inuzuka. He looked him up almost as soon as he got into his little apartment. He almost laughed at the pathetic face staring back at him in the screen.

That was also another problem. Sasuke had high standards. It didn't matter if it was a girl or a boy; he was not going to settle for some mutt.

He looked through that dog lover's friends list. He had a bunch of attractive friends, for a doggy nerd. Kiba himself did not look that bad, but Sasuke did not want to pick a random stranger either. Sasuke took a little preference to birds and snakes anyway.

He looked through the list but he did not really pay attention. He was just scrolling up and down, snorting when he thought something brought his attention. He frowned. He could just not find a person. It was impossible. Either the guy was a stranger, a loser, or not to Sasuke's standards. Mostly the last one.

This was more difficult than he thought. Sasuke sighed and hovered the little mouse cursor to the bright red x on the tab.

Then, an idea came to mind.

Karin had complained about how there were more men in the Uzumaki family that actually showed up to meetings rather than women. She wanted an older sister model in her life. Now that he thought about it, he had heard the name Uzumaki way before he met Karin.

Uzumaki…

Uzumaki…

He clicked on Karin's profile and searched through her friends list. He typed in "Uzumaki" and waited for the list of friends with that last name (or first name) to appear.

He saw ten names. He immediately took out three names, since they were women. He took out another three when he saw grandpa pictures staring back at him.

Then, he saw that two of the names were not clear on what gender they actually were, so he took them out too. It was annoying trying to figure out who they were or what they were.

It left him with two names. One of them was a redhead, just like the previous eight had been. The other one was… a very familiar blond that Sasuke knew he was in denial if he tried to say it was someone else.

But nope. The little boy who had almost run over Sasuke and had proclaimed himself Sasuke's eternal rival had grown into a very gorgeous man who was grinning at him in the screen.

Sasuke scowled back.

Not in a million years. Sasuke would never pick Naruto Uzumaki as his boyfriend. So he looked at the other name.

Nagato Uzumaki.

He looked old enough to be his brother! But he was handsome too. He suspected that the Uzumaki family had drunk from the fountain of youth, since this man looked younger than Itachi.

In the end, he decided on Nagato. He bought a train ticket and went to visit the redhead. He was just perfect: he was a successful co-leader of an organization that provided aid to the unfortunate people and he was older so maybe Fugaku and Itachi would get convinced that Sasuke had no morals somehow about age differences between his partners and would at least disqualify him for being immoral instead of being gay.

However, when he arrived, he had the worst experience in his life.

A woman named Konan invited him in for tea. He was grateful for the tea but he simply nodded politely. He was quick to the point: "I want to speak to Nagato." He could see the blue-haired woman's bemused eyes at the request, from a stranger nonetheless, but she agreed to bringing him in.

Before Sasuke knew it, Nagato (who looked exactly like his profile picture) and Yahiko joined them for tea. He was in the presence of three admirable people. Sasuke simply straightened out his back. He was also a very proud person. He would not let these people intimidate him.

"What's your name?" Nagato finally asked, breaking the calm peace.

"Sasuke Uchiha." Sasuke replied, automatically. The three older adults seemed surprised.

"Are you here because Itachi sent you?" Yahiko asked, raising his eyebrows.

"No."

"How old are you?" Konan asked.

"21." Sasuke frowned.

They proceeded to ask many questions after this. Sasuke found himself answering everything. It was almost as if something compelled him to answer. He was forced to say the truth... Wait. Holy shit. What if they had somehow managed to make Sasuke say the truth with a potion...?

Idiotic. Sasuke did not believe in magic. He did not believe in many things.

Then, Nagato had to ask the question he would have been fearing if the potion theory was true. Which was not, Sasuke thought firmly. "Why are you here? What is your purpose for visiting us?"

He would be able to answer with his lie: "I came to see if I could join Akatsuki."

However, the answer that escaped his pale lips was another.

"I am here to court Nagato and make him my boyfriend so that I do not have to become a stuffy CEO bastard with a fancy suit like my father."

The death that Sasuke wanted right there was a quick one so he could leave those assholes that wore identical grins and a painful one so that he could get what he deserved for being stupid.

He was still pissed off when Konan drove him to the train station. "Don't worry, the effects of the Truth Tea should be over now. You know, there was a reason why we kept you there with these stupid questions."

Sasuke glowered at Konan then. So they just wanted to keep the entertainment to themselves. He kept glaring at the blue-haired woman, even as she helped him get a ticket back home and even as she waved him off while he entered the train.

Surely, this seemingly serious lady was a sneaky bitch.

He even glared at her as the train left.

She became smaller and smaller until she could no longer be seen.

-/-/-/-

Okay, so he was running out of options. Most of Sakura's friends were complete strangers. They were also not the type to get in relationships. Now, Sasuke was being more careful because of the "Nagato and Tea Incident", and his list of options had shortened quite significantly.

For some reason, he felt that the network was mocking him. He kept getting notifications that read, "Do you know this person?" and Naruto Uzumaki's grinning face would appear in his screen.

Naruto was ideal, Sasuke could admit now that he had almost given up. It was a miracle how Sasuke had not tattered his reputation yet by the many attempts of getting a boyfriend that he had executed. Fangirls still followed after him and the same people still talked to him.

He was his age, Sasuke knew Naruto quite well (before, he realized, after looking at the profile picture again and noting the drastic changes), and he was an Uzumaki to top it all off. He did hear someone saying that an Uzumaki and an Uchiha would go well together, right?

... Sasuke let his head drop on the desk, uncharacteristically showing his defeat. But he was alone in his room and he could be more open about it. He was not sure what to do anymore. He did not want to become Karin or any other girl that wanted to get a boyfriend desperately. He had been able to do his plans with the dignity and pride he had, but clearly, he had to let go of some of that cold pride if he wanted to get somewhere.

And Sasuke only knew two ways: being himself or turning into one of his fangirls.

He did not want to get romantic advice either: all the Uchihas had only gotten married because they were arranged most of the time. Surprisingly, Mikoto and Fugaku married because they wanted to.

But not everyone had the same luck, Sasuke noted.

What to do...?

What to do...?

Sasuke looked at the screen, as if expecting answers.

Then, he saw he received another notification.

Once he saw the same notification he had been receiving for a month, he snapped.

Mikoto was not even sure what to think when she saw her son with two backpacks stomping through the living room, huffing a "goodbye", and slamming the door shut, muttering something about a plane.

The woman could only shout, "Good luck, Sasuke!"

-/-/-/-

...And that was how he got to the island to woo a Naruto Uzumaki to be his boyfriend so that he could save his own ass.

Sasuke slammed the car door open and walked into the house with his bags in clenched fists that he had arranged using up a great deal of money.

He only hoped that Naruto would be worth the trouble he had gone to finally get here.

Because he was not going to get "no" for an answer.


	2. In Less than a Minute, Two Blonds Piss Me Off

The truth of this world was that there was always going to be someone leaping to tackle Sasuke, no matter where he went.

When he was a cute brat (those were the good days where he was the nicest kid in the world), he would get tackled by his mother and her life-squeezing hugs before she left running to some actress meeting or something.

When he turned twelve, things got messier. Girls back and forth tried to throw themselves at him and hug him with their perfume scented arms and kiss him with their badly-put-on-glittery-lipstick lips.

He learned to avoid corridors and move like a ninja by the end of that year. By the next few years, he learned how to step aside and watch the girl or boy fall to the side or accidentally hug someone else. Those were the times he would smirk at how a student got a detention for tackling a teacher.

Then, when he turned eighteen, a new person started to jump at him. It wasn't that they had a crush on him or thought he was cute like his mother thought.

No, this wacky, no good of a man was trying to kill him. Or at least complicate his life more.

And all of this was Itachi's fault.

Apparently, he had beaten an artist in a competition with a painting of an eye. It had only been half-hearted, but he had received first price. The crazy artist had become so pissed off that he had sworn revenge on Itachi.

But of course, nobody could ever lay a hand on the prodigy and the bastard had decided somehow that if he could not get back at Itachi, he would attack the person most dearest to him.

Sasuke had no idea how Deidara Iwano had come to the conclusion that he was the most dearest person to Itachi, but in the end, he only had to curse it. The blond would not listen when Sasuke denied being dead to Itachi. His older brother hated him.

In any case, the blond would randomly appear whenever he was traveling and would attempt to tackle him. Sasuke knew the idiot artist had no money so he swore Itachi himself was paying his trips to wherever Sasuke went.

You can guess what happened when Sasuke walked into his new empty house and set down his bags on the floor.

A blond flash was coming at him, yelling, "DIE!"

Sasuke didn't even bother batting an eye when he stepped to the side and watched Deidara zooming past him. Finally, the blond was defeated by the door, making a satisfying crunch as his head hit it first. He fell back and looked up at Sasuke with dazed eyes.

"Next time... hn..." He swore. If Sasuke wanted, he would roll his eyes at the dumbass in front of him, but he was not going to. Because apparently, his lack of reaction pissed Deidara off. He liked having some ammo against the blond and he would use it.

"Now that you have ruined my door, you will have to help me settle in, knucklehead." Sasuke said, sounding stern. He was secretly happy that at least Deidara was there; he would not have to do all the work.

The blond glared at him as he raised his head in an attempt to get up. But then, he let his head fall, in defeat. "Why do I have to help you? You are the perfect little Uchiha, you can handle this house on your own, hn."

Sasuke narrowed his eyes. He hated being called little. "I suppose you stalked me without having any plans. You do realize there are no hotels here. Not many tourists arrive here to allow a hotel to make profits."

The blond comically widened his eyes and Sasuke resisted the urge to smirk. It felt good to at least be able to torment someone after every Uchiha seemed to have become immune to his sarcasm and cold remarks. He kept his gaze locked with Deidara's, not blinking, almost as if daring the blond to accuse him of lying.

Deidara lost their staring contest. He slowly stood up and gritted his teeth. "If I help you, I get a room to myself and you will have to cook for the two of us, hn."

Sasuke turned his back to Deidara and began to walk to the kitchen. "Of course. Your cooking could kill a corpse for the second time." He muttered, surprising himself.

Normally, he would just grunt and say nothing else. But it looked like having Deidara actually there lifted up his spirits a little.

As Deidara bickered with him and fixed up the house with him, he tried his best to ignore the idea that Deidara had something to do with the feeling that this house wasn't as big and cold anymore.

He only succeeded ignoring it when they walked out of the house.

Sasuke had forgotten about groceries. Deidara had helpfully reminded him by bashing his head against the fridge and yelling about how absent-minded Uchihas were at times: not having groceries meant having to walk a long dirt road to get the grocery stores. The blond seemed to have realised that their walk to the main centre of the village would be long, because he asked to borrow a pair of shoes. Sasuke threw a pair at him and they were on their way.

"So why are you here anyway? You don't normally buy a house, hn. And you would know that there were no hotels, so you would not bother coming here at all, hn."

Sasuke would have choked him. But just like with everyone else, he was not going to let anyone break him. He turned his head to look at the blond.

"I am here to make Naruto Uzumaki mine."

He had intended to sound blank. Even nonchalant would have been good, almost as if talking about the weather.

However, it came out sounding oddly possessive. As much as Sasuke hated to, he grudgingly had to congratulate himself silently. If he had started acting this way before even meeting up with Naruto again, then maybe acting like he was in love would not be so difficult at all.

Deidara looked shocked. Sasuke imagined his shock now could easily rival his shock when Itachi held up the first place prize. The Uchiha would have patted the blond's shoulder; he had felt as shocked when he had been told to prove he was a homosexual.

"You actually like someone...? And you're not straight...?" Deidara finally squeaked. To Sasuke's amusement, the blond had forgotten his little verbal tick ("hn") at the end.

Sasuke only smirked and began to walk at a faster pace, to give his back to Deidara. The blond jogged to catch up and began to bombard him with questions.

"Who is Naruto? He is part of that family that supports the Senju family, right? How did you meet? When the hell did you meet? I have been following you since three years ago and nothing. No Naruto around, hn!" Deidara said, looking irritated.

"I met him when I was a little brat." Sasuke said, looking away when Deidara had gotten too close to his face.

Then, he saw it.

Sasuke stopped in his tracks and peered over the bushes. Behind the bushes, the cliff stood magnificently there. Nobody had bothered to fence it yet, so it was just the same as before when he had ran here to get some fresh air from all of the stress his parents had caused. He walked through the bushes and into the clear spot before the edge, ignoring Deidara's questions. He looked down and almost smiled.

It was still the same as before. The shore was still there, just at the bottom of this cliff. He could almost imagine that dead last Uzumaki sitting right on the sand, looking at the horizon with a frown on his face. Then, he almost fell back when the illusion turned his head and gave him a scowl before smiling at him.

"UCHIHA!" Sasuke was pulled back into the bushes by Deidara, who actually dared to yell at him. "You want to die, hn?!"

Sasuke did almost roll his eyes this time. "I am an adult. I know how to step here, knucklehead." He turned around to get back on the road and kept walking with Deidara again.

Sasuke thought about Naruto Uzumaki. He even thought about him as he mindlessly picked out vegetables and fruits, paid for them, and walked back with Deidara home. He thought about him while he cooked and ate dinner with the blond, who looked impressed by his cooking skills. He thought about him when he grunted at Deidara's "good night, Uchiha", went to bed and looked at the ceiling.

Naruto Uzumaki had been a very lonely person. Sasuke Uchiha had been a very nice and kind person.

Sasuke took out his phone and stared at Naruto's profile picture again. But he had people now and changed.

And Sasuke had changed too: to a bitter and cold person.

He closed his eyes, dropping the phone at the side of him. Naruto would be difficult to approach. Especially when he knew so much about the blond's past. He knew people hated him. He knew he wanted someone to talk to.

So Sasuke had approached him. But when he tried, they ended up fighting, because Naruto realized Sasuke was pitying him.

Sasuke hated being accused of that, but it was true. He had pitied Naruto and pity was something even Sasuke hated at the time. So he tried to become Naruto's friend.

But everything he did pissed off Naruto even more. Pretending to need help with a class and asking Naruto for help made Naruto think Sasuke was trying to brag about how he was the best student. Pretending to need someone to play with made Naruto think that Sasuke only wanted to beat him at some game. Laughing at one of Naruto's pranks made Naruto think Sasuke was laughing at him, not with him.

Even the fucking embarrassing first kiss they shared because of some dumbass who pushed Naruto made Naruto think badly of Sasuke.

Sasuke hated it. Naruto was more difficult than the others he tried to woo.

But at least the blond never did run away from him and Sasuke could always try again. He always did and had only succeeded once: it had been by the end of his stay in Konoha that they had shaken hands and actually smiled at each other for one day before Sasuke left for the airport.

So it was true that they had left on good terms. Maybe it would not be so difficult to convince Naruto he was in love with him. It would be easy to make it seem as if he had only returned for him.

Which was true, technically, but Sasuke was not in love with the blond! He pulled on his hair and rolled around the bed.

He had taken it seriously for a moment there! Sasuke let out a silent scream on his pillow before slumping over the mattress and falling asleep.

-/-/-/-

He was not fawning over Naruto Uzumaki. He was not fawning over Naruto Uzumaki. Naruto Uzumaki was not even here, knocking at his door. Naruto Uzumaki was not even here, asking if anyone was inside.

Sasuke Uchiha was definitely not frozen at the door, staring at Naruto through the peephole-

Oh fuck.

When he had woken up to a smell of burning food, Sasuke had gracefully fallen out of bed and landed his face on the ground before standing up. He had run to put out the fire around Deidara and had listened to the blond complain about how food was difficult to handle.

Sasuke had actually cursed at Iwano before he was hit with a pan. He held up his own sword of Kusanagi (thank you, Orochimaru) and chased Deidara around with it.

Then, someone had knocked and Sasuke had been the one to run to the door, and peep through, just in case it was a girl he had to avoid and could pretend he was not there.

But it had to be the unpredictable noisy dumbass that would not leave his mind ever since he stepped on the island.

"It looks that nobody's here right now. I'll tell Gaara to come here later then!" The blond outside thought aloud and stopped in his tracks when the door was slammed open and Sasuke appeared, looking as perfect as he could when he had just climbed out of bed and had not even taken a morning shower yet.

"Wait, Naruto-!" Sasuke began, but was interrupted by Naruto.

"There you are! I have been standing here for a long time. It's rude to leave people waiting, especially if they brought you breakfast to welcome you to the village, you know!" Naruto held out a white bag at him but then narrowed his eyes, pulling the bag back to his side before Sasuke could reach for it. "Wait a minute. You know who I am?"

Sasuke gave him a blank look. He merely answered with a question of his own, sounding dead, "Do you know who I am?"

Naruto cupped his chin, looking at Sasuke, his blue eyes traveling from his bedhead to his big shirt to his baggy shorts to his bare feet. Sasuke stiffened, not liking being examined by anyone, and crossed his arms.

"Do I?" Naruto smiled sheepishly after a moment. Sasuke stared at him with as much dignity as he could stare when he was looking like shit and stared when the blond nervously gave him the white bag.

"Stop looking at me like that! You're creepy, you know!" Naruto shuddered, waving his arms around. Sasuke smirked. Good, because he wanted to make this dense idiot suffer.

How could he not remember the great Sasuke Uchiha? The only one who had acknowledged Naruto first! For gods sake, he was still wearing the same style of hair he had worn as a child! His face had only become more defined and smoother, but he still looked the same!

He refused to acknowledge his chest felt heavy at that moment.

He was about to say something nasty that would passive aggressively hint at Naruto's stupid brain for not remembering the important people, but Deidara cut him off.

"Uchiha! Get in here and make me breakfast, hn!" Deidara hollered. Sasuke watched as Naruto's eyes widened and could literally tell when the lightbulb had turned on and it had all clicked.

Naruto knew who he was now.

But Sasuke was pissed off, and he slammed the door on Naruto's face before the blond could stop him from walking inside or say anything.

"Wait! Is that you, Sasuke?! Sasuke, you bastard, open up!" Naruto shouted at him from outside. But Sasuke ignored him, stomping to the kitchen. He did not even bother to hide his rage from Deidara behind a cold indifferent mask.

The older blond decided to stay out of Sasuke's way and took the white bag from the Uchiha before retreating to his room with the safer clay.

Sasuke began to cut oranges in half, becoming more aggressive as Naruto's shouts got louder.

Finally, Uzumaki gave up. He heard him shout, "I have to go to work, but when I get out, I'll kick down your door and get to you, Sasuke! You're not getting away from me, you know!"

Sasuke refused to acknowledge his heart soared and felt much lighter at those words.

At least Naruto did remember him, he thought as he made a list of what he could buy at the store to make lunch. He was not doing it because he imagined Naruto would try to knock at his door again at either lunch or dinner.

He simply wanted to cook something nice for himself today.

-/-/-/-

**Bonus**

Sasuke stared at his hair on the mirror and banged his head against it.

His hair must have been under his side for so long that his hair had literally gone from being spiked up at the end like a duck's butt to being spiked to the lower side as if he had brushed it to be that way.

His face also had some soot, probably from the time he put off the fire and Deidara had playfully hit his face with the soot covered pan.

He groaned.

No wonder Naruto had not recognized him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the favorites, follows, and reviews! This is my first Naruto story, thus I am very satisfied by your reactions.
> 
> I will mostly likely update weekly, unless something comes up, which is the case when I'm stressed out by school and future planning. So yes, I was supposed to upload this last week. Sorry, my readers.
> 
> If there is a pairing you may like to see, then request away. My planned ones are LeeSaku and ObitoRin.
> 
> This is on Fanfiction too.


	3. In Less than a Day, Irony Slaps me Like a Bitch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of All: Thank you for the follows, favs, and reviews! You are wonderful!
> 
> Second:
> 
> Since it seems that my story has no substantial worth yet other than that it is amusing, I suppose that I should have a section where I am explaining some things that are going on.
> 
> My plan was to first introduce the characters, then have a typical romantic comedy where I wanted to go against the whole "I discovered you were tricking me all along and I'm breaking up with you in one chapter and getting back together with you in the next one, and end of story". I wanted to explore the forgiveness part.
> 
> However, it seems that I have had a hit of inspiration.
> 
> Therefore, my plan is: introduce characters, get the plot (the Naruto and Sasuke part) going with the subplot (Danzo and SasoDei part) going as hints before they both combine at the end. I suppose this means my story might have a good worth of 15 chapters or more.
> 
> So yes, the real antagonist will be introduced later on.
> 
> To also add more, this is from Sasuke's point of view. It may not necessarily be a correct view of what is really going on. I may have chapters where it is going to be from Sasori's or Itachi's point of view. Perhaps even Hinata, because I do love Hinata.
> 
> PS: I know I said I would introduce Sasori in this chapter, but since the change of plans, he will be introduced either in the next one or Chapter 5.

Sasuke acknowledged the ridiculousness of this entire situation, after an hour of meditation in his garden, with his back peacefully leaning against the solitary tree.

He knew Naruto Uzumaki since the beginning of his life in Konoha and they had been rivals. Never had they spoken about emotions either, they were boys. Boys did not speak about love. They only spoke who was the cutest girl in their grade. Or maybe they spoke about the hottest, significantly older girl who walked around the village, if anything was to be close to boys talking about love.

Therefore, Sasuke had no clue about what kind of people Naruto liked. He never seemed to have a crush. But that crush could have been hidden. Boys never talked about what the personalities they liked. That was something that was against him. If Sasuke acted like he did before, would Naruto like him?

Probably not. Sasuke used to be this brat who was obsessed with being nice to everybody and was annoying in trying to get Naruto's attention. He would have to act indifferent and cool, just like he was now. He could not show much of himself. He should not build any fondness towards Naruto. If he left himself opened, he might actually feel guilty in the end of all of this.

Yes, Sasuke Uchiha did have the capacity of feeling guilty, even if it was deep down in him. He was human, not a machine. Even he knew as much. That was why he decided to close himself off from Naruto Uzumaki. He could not even show hatred towards him: that would wound his chances in wooing him.

So, in other words, he had to close himself off, but at the same time be likeable and charming enough for the blond.

Sasuke easily pinpointed the solution: he would have to put up a fake act. He would have to become this person he was not. As much as he detested it, it would have to go.

He hated the idea of taking over the Uchiha Company even more than deceiving Naruto Uzumaki.

So he would suck it up and go ahead with it.

* * *

-/-/-/-

* * *

By the time night came, Sasuke had everything prepared. He had forced Deidara to help him. The help had surprisingly been less painful than the Uchiha had expected…

* * *

_"What the fuck are you doing, hn!?" Deidara screamed as Sasuke threw something at him that happened to knock off one of his clay figures._

_The Uchiha stared at him expectantly and the blond only narrowed his eyes before he bent down and picked up the object: it was a wallet._

_"Wha-?"_

_"You can take all the money in there. Just show me what you do when you want to flirt…" He saw Deidara's disbelieving face and then watching as the blond's cheeks puffed up and reddened: Deidara was barely containing his laughter._

_Sasuke added, annoyed, "Don't joke around or I will end you right here."_

_That didn't shut Deidara up, unfortunately. After some deep breaths and some chuckles escaping, he agreed to give him a set of steps that Sasuke could either take or ignore, according to his own judgment._

* * *

… Grudgingly, Sasuke had to admit the blond was smart in his own right, especially when bribed (for more clay, supposedly). The dark haired young man had agreed to silently listen to Deidara, even though most of his ideas were outrageous for someone of his caliber.

But Deidara was flashy and he was outgoing, just like Naruto seemed to be like. Sasuke did believe that similar people would fit together better than opposites.

He only thanked whichever god was watching over him that his family was not here to see him. Deidara would be the only one to see him like this, and he could be quieted down right away.

He tried to smile at his reflection in the mirror, but he only managed to make it look like a grimace. He hated how he looked. He looked like "hey look, I'm a rich and sexy as hell man, love me" all around, except for his glare.

He had put on his best clothing and had opened up his shirt so that his undershirt could be seen. It was the most casual style that Sasuke could manage. But he still had his scowl on.

' _I am not using these. No, no, this is a bad idea._ ' Sasuke began to slip out of his outer shirt before a butter knife flashed near his head and got stuck on the wall.

He should have known Deidara would not let him back down from his goal. Not that the crazy artist even knew exactly what Sasuke was trying to do, as far as he knew. The Uchiha was not about to explain either. He could afford to say embarrassing statements to his family, because they would not gossip about it.

The Uchiha family had a reputation they highly valued and nothing that happened in meetings would get out. His fangirls had been the exception this time, because he was sure every Uchiha had that sadistic pleasure of seeing heartbroken girls.

But even then, the girls kept quiet and did not tell anyone outside their circle. Had they done so, his reputation would have been ruined. So they actually cared enough to help him in that way. Sasuke was surprised, but he had no intention in acting accordingly. He was not used to thanking anybody.

"Stop zoning out, hn! I'm almost done with the food!"

Sasuke grunted and adjusted his shirt. He had to smile. Or at least smirk.

No, Naruto hated his smirk.

Smiling. How does one smile without looking like your dad just forced you to show proof that you prefer to get into men's pants?

Oh, wait. He was being forced.

So a beautiful and flirty smile was im-po-ssi-ble.

"Sasuke! You bastard! Open up! I know you're in there! I can smell food, you know!"

Sasuke narrowed his eyes. He narrowed them even more when Deidara mouthed, "Smile."

He could hope to retain his dignity as he smiled a lazy smile and opened the door. He leant on the side of the doorway, tilting his head just as Deidara instructed, to show a relaxed but sly demeanor. Sasuke merely remembered seeing the most confident of his fangirls doing it, but they had immediately ruined themselves by opening their mouths.

"Do you need something from me?" Sasuke said, sounding somewhat quiet. He immediately cursed himself right after those words. This was not going well; it was all going to be ruined! It would be game over and he would have to sit in boring meetings for the rest of his life until he got wrinkles!

"I thought Sakura-chan told you already! Did she just force you into this without explaining?" The blond asked, confused. Then, Naruto looked mortified, almost as if he had just ruined something himself.

What? What was 'this'?

Sasuke was at a loss for words for a moment before he remembered one of Deidara's tips: if it seems something insignificant, just agree with him.

The Uchiha could tell it was something significant for Naruto. But it was not of importance to him, so he merely said, "Yes. Do you want to come inside? I have dinner ready." He forced the tips of his lips to go up: a smile.

"You made dinner? That sounds great! I was going to go and invite you to Ichiraku's, but I don't mind eating here!" Naruto strolled in, much to Sasuke's annoyance. The blond was already making himself comfortable instead of being polite.

"By the way, are you okay? You look like somebody stabbed you just now, you know." Naruto added, sitting back at the table.

Sasuke stopped smiling. Okay. At least the blond agreed with Sasuke: he looked terrible trying to smile.

"I think the real question is that if you are fine, Naruto." The Uchiha said, sitting right in front of the blond. Deidara's advice was to sit really close so that he was pressed together to the blond, but Karin did that and Sasuke found he really disliked having his personal space invaded.

He watched as Naruto looked surprised. Not that Sasuke blamed him: they had been rivals the last time they saw each other, after all. Naruto probably had this image of him that was terrible. But ironically, it was close to how Sasuke was actually like now.

"Me? ... Not really. You know already from Sakura-chan that I'm in trouble, but you don't know exactly how, right?" Naruto laughed, trying to make the situation a little more lighthearted, probably. Sasuke knew something was bothering him, but he reminded himself that he had to keep himself detached.

He tried smiling again. "You don't deserve to go through so much… You have already been unlucky when you were a kid. Why is life so unfair to you?"

Naruto blinked. "Are you sure you are okay, bastard?" He asked.

' _Of course I am not! I hate trying to be smooth! This is idiotic! And stop calling me bastard, you deadlast beat! We are supposed to be over that rivalry already!_ ' Sasuke wished he could say. But instead, he lowered his eyes and looked away. "I am worried about you."

"You're what-?"

"Hello, hn! I am Sasuke's cousin and I'm going to serve you food he made especially for you!" Sasuke resisted the urge to scowl as Deidara appeared in the doorway connected to the kitchen with a silver tray with bowls of soup.

And since when was Deidara an Uchiha? Sasuke knew this was all a terrible idea.

Naruto grinned. "Nice to meet you! I am Naruto Uzumaki!" Then, he turned on Sasuke, with a mischievous glint in his eyes. "You know how to cook?"

Sasuke crossed his arms, defensively. But he did return the grin with a smirk of his own. "I know more than just mindless cooking." It was the most honest sentence he had said to Naruto.

Was the wooing done yet? Was Naruto suddenly in love with him now? No, life was too wonderful to help him, Sasuke thought sarcastically.

Naruto gave him a broad smile as Deidara placed the bowls on the table and left. "Sakura-chan was not kidding! You are not too bad anymore."

Sasuke resisted the urge to scowl. Not too bad?

'Oh, Naruto, believe me, I can be worse.' The Uchiha wanted to sneer.

Sasuke looked down at his bowl, feigning embarrassment. "Is that so? I am happy you think so." He said, trying to sound cheery. But as he saw the 'soup', his face actually broke into a shocked one that he could not hide.

Deidara said that he had taken cooking lessons. He had said he was decent. Why did this soup look like it had come from a combination of horse shit, water, and cornflakes?

He could see Naruto's mouth moving, saying something about how he was in trouble, something about some Danzo person, and mentioning Haruno and some Gaara a lot. But he ignored it. He could only pay attention to the spoon in Naruto's hand and he could only watch as the blond was sinking the head of the spoon into the goopy mess in his bowl.

Sasuke should have known that life loved to mess with him. He miscalculated his movements as he tried to snatch the bowl from Naruto and had somehow ended up falling across the small table to land awkwardly on top of Naruto.

He was only barely holding himself up from completely letting his legs push the bowls to the floor and making a mess. He looked at Naruto and froze.

The blond was more attractive up close. His profile picture did not even compare to the view he had currently. His eyes were bluer than he had seen them in the picture. Hell, when Naruto faced him, his eyes were not as blue as right now, where he could literally move an inch and their noses would be touching.

Naruto's eyes went white. "Sasuke, dumbass, you're too close! And you ruined my food! … Are you sure you're okay!?" He exclaimed, freaking out.

"No." The Uchiha admitted and turned his head to the side. He was about to yell for Deidara when he saw the artist already standing there and giving him a thumbs up. Then, he saw the blond mouth, "Do it."

Do it?

No. Way.

Sasuke did not see the logic in "admitting" his so-called feelings for Naruto right there! Hadn't they just met up again?

But he was in a stalemate. The flirting was not working because Sasuke sucked at it. (Although he would argue he was trying to keep his dignity and if he was not, he would have been marvelous at it.) Also, he was trapped there.

So he did the same thing he did at the meeting: he swallowed his pride and said,

"I love you, Naruto."

He could hear the glass breaking. But he was sure that Naruto heard it louder, because the blond immediately had shoved Sasuke off him, enough to throw him on the table (which of course, dirtied Sasuke's clothes with Deidara's cooking).

"Wha-what!? What the hell are you sa-saying!?" Naruto shouted, freaking out. He was putting up his hands into various defense positions as he was standing up. Sasuke would have mocked his reaction if he was not trying to woo this person.

If Sasuke did not choose his words carefully, he might as well be staring at a "Game Over" from Naruto.

He sighed and stood up, ignoring the clanks of the bowls and began to walk towards the blond, who widened his eyes more. "I said it. I came back to this island for you, because I…"

"This isn't ha-happening? Who are you, and what did you do to Sasuke!? You have been smelling and acting weird this whole time, so I should have known! You're not the bastard!" Naruto accused, pointing at the Uchiha.

Smelling weird? That was cologne! Acting weird? That was an attempt to flirt!

All this idiot did was misunderstand him! Just like back then, when he was trying to become Naruto's friend, all the blond did was think wrong!

Sasuke snapped.

"… Okay, listen to me, you deadla-"

_BOOM!_

A burst of flames came from the doorway leading to the kitchen and Sasuke watched as a burnt Deidara appeared, looking crazed. "A clay bomb went off and now the second one will!" He shrieked.

The Uchiha did not even bother hiding his annoyance. Almost elegantly, he grabbed Deidara by an arm and threw him into the bomb zone that was now the kitchen and he began to drag Naruto out.

"Let's get out of here and talk outside." Sasuke said, coldly. He was not acting nice anymore, although he had to admit that the timing had been good. He had been about to let out his anger on Naruto and even though he was not going to flirt anymore, he was not going to be an asshole either.

Naruto looked back. "But the kitchen-?"

"Deidara will deal with it. Let's go." The Uchiha said. Thankfully, Naruto did not need to be told twice. He ran with Sasuke out of the house and walked to the streets.

As soon as they were there, Naruto immediately rounded on him. "Sasuke, what is the meaning of that-?"

"Deidara likes keeping clay figures. But the knucklehead sometimes adds bombs into them." Sasuke said, beginning to walk on the road. He raised his eyebrows when Naruto stayed there and looked at him, anticipating that Naruto would follow him.

After a few moments, the blond grumbled some curse and jogged a little to catch up. "But why were you acting so weird? You scared me, you know!"

"I acted that way for appearances. Deidara is kept in the dark when it comes to my true personality." Sasuke lied easily.

Naruto seemed to believe him, because he relaxed somewhat. Only somewhat, though.

"Then, was… was that… love thing… was it true?" The blond muttered, almost carefully. Sasuke would have laughed if he was another person. Naruto Uzumaki was anything but careful with his words.

Why do it now, Naruto? Sasuke thought, amused.

However, the question was delicate. He would have to watch his words this time. He opened his mouth and began, "I…"

"Naruto-kun!" Two thick eyebrows. That was the first thing Sasuke noticed about this person who was running towards them. Then, he noted the green spandex. He crossed his arms. Terrible taste in clothes.

"Bushy-brows!" Naruto cheered. Sasuke narrowed his eyes. What if Naruto was into unattractive people? Sasuke did not like to think he would have to try to put on fake eyebrows next.

"There's a fire over there! We should go help the poor helpless person! Come on, let's go!" The young man began to drag Naruto by his wrist away.

Away from Sasuke.

Sasuke scowled.

He did the only thing that made sense to do at the time: he gripped Naruto's other wrist and held it strongly. The other one could not pull Naruto anymore.

"Huh?"

"I need to talk to you about something. Danzo, you said." Sasuke muttered. The blond immediately looked serious again. He even looked at the newcomer with serious eyes.

"Sorry, bushy-brows. But the bastard and I have business to do. Remember how Sakura-chan said she would get help? He'll help us." Naruto explained.

The thick-browed man looked delighted. "I am Lee Rock! It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance!" He exclaimed.

"Hm. Sasuke Uchiha." He replied, with as much dignity as he could reply when his pants were smeared with Deidara's soup.

Naruto looked entertained. "Never thought you'd meet each other." He grinned.

Sasuke mentally agreed.

"Well, Sasuke-san! I am very grateful that you will help Naruto-kun! He has always been alone with this subject and I am sorry to say our group hasn't been much help!"

"Group?" Sasuke questioned.

"Naruto-kun's group of friends! We are all a group and we are all friends with each other! Not even Hinata-san or Neji has been of help, even though she has a very famous name that would have normally helped us…" Lee said, looking almost dejected at the end.

Naruto slapped his back, smiling. "Now, now, you don't have to worry, you know! I have everything under control! Sakura-chan just sent Sasuke as reinforcements for Gaara and Sasori-sensei!" He said, nonchalantly.

"I see! So Gaara-kun is finally making progress on the case? That's excellent news! I will tell everyone after I finish training with Guy-sensei!"

'I thought you were going to put out a fire.' Sasuke thought. A roll of eyes would have been appropriate at this point. He was surrounded by too much energy and he had no idea what they were talking about. Sasuke was merely guessing.

"Let's at least have a quick celebration by buying some tea!" Lee said suddenly and pointed across the road where cars barely passed by to a shady looking tea place. "I am sure Shikamaru-san can give us a discount!"

"But I have to chat with the bastard for a bit! Maybe we can do it tomorrow." Naruto suggested.

Sasuke felt a strange sense of satisfaction at that: he was the priority. He tried to ignore the feeling and watched as Lee began to cross the road. "Why, Naruto-kun! I don't think Sasuke-san will mind some tea if I pay for-!"

This was it.

Sasuke should have known that there was always going to be some ironic twist to his story. He didn't get to hear the rest of Lee's sentence, and that was not by choice.

A shiny red car, just like the one that Sasuke remembered having seen when a small prankster almost ran over him, was heading towards Lee at high-speed.

And of course, Naruto Uzumaki had to be this unpredictable idiot who instead of pulling Lee out of the way, he had to go ahead and be a hero, and push him out of the way.

And Sasuke had to be the bigger idiot who shoved the blond and got hit by the red car instead.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know if this story is any good, but please enjoy it. I might post it on FF.Net too.


End file.
